The stress of job searching, anxiety, loneliness, and got attacked in an online dating app

          The stress of job searching so sucks! It feels like I’ve got depression and anxiety. It’s really new level of stress I have ever experienced! When I was young, I luckily got my first job right after university graduation. So, I didn’t suffer this stress. And actually, I had no idea how stressful the young job hunters felt at that time. But, here we go. Now at 30, I finally got to know how it feels. It’s like… identity crisis. And it is! I read an article of NY Times. It says job loss or unemployment is actually more like about issue of identity than financial instability. Another article also says the stress level of unemployment and job searching ranks third on the top next to divorce and breakup. Ha.. the worst thing is I also don’t have someone to lean on. People say not expect to rely on someone when you’re not in a good state. But, I’m human. I know it in the head, but I can’t in my weak mind. Sounds so miserable.. my self-esteem flew away.

           Anyway, because of that, I’ve tried several dating apps. To be honest, I don’t like online dating apps and never thought I would use it. I somehow thought online dating apps are for losers. But, yeah, here is she, she is a loser, confirmed! So just do it, girl. I once got matched a guy in one of apps, but after few sentences back and forth, I stopped texting him back. Usually, people ignore or walk away when counterpart doesn’t response for whatever reason. But he seemed to wait my reply few hours. And when it seemed to be apparent I stopped replying him, he started throwing some bad words to me. He cursed my appearance and unemployed status. He even said I should have been thankful of him because he tried to save me who is 30 years old female but with no jobs, not good look “objectively”(what doesn’t it mean?), and small boobs. Oh, well, I never asked you to save me, though.. It was so funny. Because he, 23 years old, was the first one chose me, 30 years old female. I didn’t response at all. Didn’t feel any need to defend or be angry to him. I even didn’t hurt by that comment. I somehow already feel insecurity about those things of me he pointed out. Like someone just mentioned things about me that I’m already aware of? I even felt it was oddly refreshing thing I have ever experienced these days. Yeah, this is me nowadays. want to cry. oh, wait, I already cried  just before!